


After the Nightmare

by Saenda



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, spoilers for 2x11 and 2x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 17:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11166312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saenda/pseuds/Saenda
Summary: Spoilers for 2x11 and 2x12.Everything is a mess. Azazel switched Magnus and Valentine from their bodies, no one believed Magnus of that very fact, not even Alexander, until the last minute. Thank goodness, they did in the end, and Magnus managed to regain his body.But dealing with the aftermath is harder than Magnus thought.





	After the Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> I really needed to write how Magnus would deal with everything that happened afterwards. I wanted his point of view and not Alec's, because there's definitely not enough of Magnus breaking down (in general). Hope it goes well and I haven't OOCed the both of them too much...

_He was back at the institute, roaming the hallways as he searched for Alec. Strangely enough, all of it was empty. There was no one around and the institute felt eerie and deserted. Alarm bells rang loudly in his head, screaming at him to get out, to run and never return, but Magnus' legs wouldn't listen as they slowly went down a flight of stairs, bringing him near the archives._

_Just as upstairs, the hallways were deserted. But as Magnus turned his head to his right, he immediately spotted the room at the end of the hallway. The giant glass window giving a clear view to the inside of the room was what got Magnus' attention and his heart seized immediately, squeezing in terror._

_And suddenly, he wasn't near the stairs anymore. Suddenly, he was inside the room, on the other side of the glass, strapped tightly to a chair._

_Magnus began to struggle, opened his mouth to cry for help, but realised he couldn't, a gag wrapped around his mouth preventing him from doing so. Panic seized him and his struggling became more frantic as he looked around for any kind of way that could help him._

_That was when he realised that he was not alone anymore. There were so many people observing him now, both inside and outside the room. Shadowhunters, high members of the Clave, but also some of his friends._

_None of them stared at him in a friendly way, however. Looks of disgust and anger were plastered on every face present._

_Magnus couldn't understand what he had done to deserve such hatred. He took a better look at himself and suddenly saw that his hands and body were actually not his own. They were... He was..._

_He was back in Valentine's body!_

_The panic redoubled in his chest, his heart beating frantically. Where was Alec? He would know, Alec would know, he would help!_

_"You killed my son. Now, you will pay!" Imogen said next to him._

_What? No! No he hadn't. That wasn't him, that was Valentine's doing, but it wasn't Valentine that was present in the body anymore! Alec, where was Alec?!_

_"Execute him."_

_Magnus' eyes widened in fright as he finally spotted the person he'd wished so hard to find up until now. But what Magnus could read on his boyfriend's face was not recognition, or denial at the orders given to him, or protectiveness towards Magnus. It was hatred, mixed with a cold and calculated sense of duty._

_Alec slowly took out his seraph blade, preparing himself to execute orders with a simple nod of the head to Imogen._

_Magnus wanted to be sick. He struggled all the more, trying, hoping to convey through his eyes that he was Magnus, that he was not Valentine, that he was not at fault here. Alec knew him, Alec loved him, couldn't he figure it out?_

_Tears streamed down his cheeks as his body shook violently, seeing Alec approach without any change in his behaviour._

_'_ No, Alec, please, please I'm begging you!' _Magnus thought,_ 'I'm Magnus, please figure it out, please stop, stop!! I don't want to die, I don't want to die, **I don't want to die!!!'**

_But it was no use however. Alec lifted the blade, and -_

* * *

 

Magnus woke in a start, gasping for air that wouldn't reach his lungs. He was trapped, couldn't move at all even as he trashed and turned. Oh Lilith, he was still back at the institute, back in that room, _back on that chair, strapped to it--_

Next thing he knew, Magnus' body slammed to the ground. He was still so unaware of his surroundings, still trapped in his mind, that he didn't have the state of mind to either run to the bathroom or grab a trashcan before he was sick all over the floor.

Magnus was barely aware of footsteps hurrying to the room, approaching him, before he was violently startled as two hands gently rested on his back and shoulder.

He didn't shrink away from the touch, however, feeling how reassuring it was as he continued to be sick. Magnus welcomed it, sobs of panic and pain as well as relief escaping his mouth when one of the hands began to draw circles on his back.

It was only some time later, when his body finally stopped heaving even when nothing was left in his stomach, that Magnus realised he hadn't been vomiting on the carpet anymore; a trashcan had been placed below him to at least avoid too much damage.

Exhausted and weary, Magnus collapsed on the body next to him, his own still shaking violently, unable to control it. Strong arms circled him, grounding him, and as he tried to regain his breath, Magnus became more and more aware of his surroundings.

He was back home, in his bedroom. He'd fallen from his bed, probably had been wrapped up in his blankets while he'd trashed in his sleep. And the one currently holding him so tenderly was none other than Alec, whispering him words, probably of comfort - Magnus was still too out of it to understand their meaning.

Suddenly, the arms and hands were withdrawing and Magnus could not comprehend why. Panic seized his heart once again and he turned around, grabbing Alec before he could even think to go, hugging him desperately. Alec couldn't go away, not when Magnus needed him so much!

"Shh... shh... It's okay Mags, I'm here," Alec whispered in his ear, kissing him on the top of his head. "There's no need to worry. I just wanted to go grab something to clean you up, and a glass of water to clean your mouth."

Magnus whimpered, barely registering what was being said. He somehow knew that his mind was being irrational, but he couldn't help it. If Alec left, would he come back? What was to say that _this_ wasn't a dream and that he wasn't still back at the institute, in Valentine's body?

Where Alec had been ordered to execute him... Where Alec had lifted his blade and...

"Breathe! Magnus, you've got to breathe!"

Magnus blinked, the corner of his eyes turning dark, spots dancing before them. He tried to do as Alec commanded, but no air would even go past his throat. Magnus was gaping like a fish and the panic only grew. He was going to die, just like at the institute, just like--

"Come on, love, follow my breathing, okay? In... and out... yes, that's it, you're doing great! In... and out again."

The dancing spots were soon receding and air was making its way into his lungs. Over time, Magnus was finally able to breathe normally and he collapsed once more against Alec in exhaustion. Magnus found that with his ear on Alec's chest, he could hear his boyfriend's heart beating, which was very calming. Magnus concentrated on it for a while, synchronizing his breathing with each thump.

He realised he had almost fallen asleep when he felt Alec move once again, alerting his mind. With a whimper, Magnus held on tighter.

"Don't worry, it's okay," Alec reassured. "I'm moving you to the bed where you'll be way more comfortable, all right?"

Magnus was a little sceptic, but he still nodded, and Alec shifted without letting go of Magnus. Instead, he grabbed him below the back and knees and lifted him up in order to lay him down on the mattress as he had promised.

"The taste in your mouth must be horrible. Let me go get you a glass of water. I won't be long at all, I promise," Alec said, kissing Magnus on the forehead.

Magnus found that he was right, that the taste in his mouth was indeed disgusting. It was with reluctance that he nodded, watching his boyfriend leave from the bedroom.

Alec did as promised and was back before Magnus could even be aware of it. Suddenly, there was a glass of water being held to his mouth and he was too exhausted to even lift his arms and take it. Besides, he had to admit to himself that it felt good being taken care of.

He drank the water in small sips, swirling some of it in his mouth and throwing it in the trashcan Alec had conveniently placed beside the bed for such a purpose, until the glass was empty.

The wet towel that followed, cleaning his face, was blissful and did wonders to Magnus oversensitive skin. He breathed a sigh of relief, enjoying the coolness. Alec wiped the sweat away, passing over his forehead and cheek and even his neck, being careful and lingering on spots that earned small moans from Magnus.

It almost felt as though he would be able to go back to sleep, but the moment he closed his eyes, flashes of his dream resurfaced and he tensed, heart pace picking up once more.

 _“Execute him!”_ rang loudly in his head, repeating in a loop as images of Alec moving forward with his seraph blade kept showing up.

Alec seemed to notice the change in Magnus, because the towel went away and the mattress dipped as he sat down next to Magnus, his hand cupping Magnus' cheek.

"It's okay, babe, you're safe here," Alec whispered tenderly.

Magnus' breath wavered and he blinked back tears that were welling up in his eyes as he wondered how he managed to deserve such a wonderful man.

_A man who didn't really believe you when you told him you were in Valentine's body at first, though._

Magnus recoiled at the dark voice in his head, gasping. He didn't want to think like that. He knew Valentine was a manipulative monster and that it would be hard for Alec or anyone to believe him.

_But he claims to love you. Shouldn't he have known right away?_

No, no, they hadn't known each other that long. Magnus couldn't think like that, he couldn't blame Alexander when he had only tried to do his duty.

Magnus was torn from his thoughts when strong arms circled him, bringing him into a tight embrace. The warmth and love from Alec mixed with Magnus insecurities and fear were simply too much and he burst into tears before he could stop himself. His hands reached for Alec's shirt, grabbing a tight fistful of it as an anchor to keep him grounded while he wept.

He was aware of lips pressed to the top of his head and hands running up and down his back in soothing gestures. But instead of calming him, it only made Magnus cry harder. He'd been so scared. He'd been tortured. He'd almost died, without anyone knowing it was him.

Not only that, but Alexander had almost been the one to end his life. If it hadn't been for the omamori, the one thing that made Alec finally believe and admit that Magnus was really into Valentine's body, then Magnus wouldn't be cuddled into Alec's arms right now.

Magnus cried and cried, unable to stop, wishing all of this pain would go away. Wishing that it wouldn't feel as though Valentine were still in his body, violating it. Wishing that the torture hadn't been so intense he still felt the ghost of the excruciating pain through his very core even if it hadn't been done on this body. Wishing that the dark voices whispering about Alexander would just go away.

_What's to say he really loves you? He only comes when he's asking for help after all._

No. That wasn't true at all. Alexander had come before without asking for anything in return.

_A handful of times, maybe. Doesn't count. And how can you trust him now? Because it didn't look like he trusted you until right at the end..._

Magnus squeezed Alec's shirt harder, nuzzling his head further into his boyfriend's chest, willing the voices away. It wasn't true. Magnus couldn't believe them. He would work through it. And besides, Alec was still new to all of this. He hadn't meant for any of this to happen.

Right?

Magnus tears finally died down after a while and his breathing slowed as he calmed down. When his hold loosened around Alec's shirt, the latter shifted them a little so that Magnus would now be on top of Alec. Alec then gave a quick peck on top of Magnus' head, caressing his hair.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alec asked in a low, uncertain voice.

"It's not as though you don't already know what's it about," Magnus answered in a tired voice, not looking at the other.

"Still, it might help you to talk about it anyway. I mean, I really don't want to push you or anything and if you're not ready it's alright. I just want you to know that whatever's happening, I'm here for you too. You're always there for me when I need you, and it's my turn now. I love you so much, Magnus. What happened to you today was horrible and I thought maybe you wanted someone to listen to you so that you could feel better. You can tell me anything."

Magnus heart both swelled and squeezed. He was suddenly reminded as to why he loved this young man so much, why he had felt so special to Magnus. But at the same time, he didn't know how to explain what it is he had dreamt about and, most of all, what part of that nightmare had hurt him the most.

Magnus pointedly kept staring away from Alexander, which seemed was enough to make Alec understand something of it, because he stopped petting Magnus' hair and watched the other carefully.

"It's because of me, isn't it?"

"Alexander..."

"No, no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that," Alec interrupted quickly, already scrambling with his words.

That got a little of Magnus' attention and he glanced up, curious to see where this was going.

"What I meant is, I think you're probably feeling like you can't talk to me right now because it's about what I did? Or well didn't do? Or... well... and I don't want to pretend like I know what you're feeling and I seriously don't want to make this about me and..."

Magnus couldn't help it; he cracked up a smile at Alexander's awkwardness.

"Alexander, you're rambling," he said softly, cutting his boyfriend short.

Alec blushed and shut his mouth, looking away in embarrassment. It was short lived, however, as he seemed to pick himself up and a serious look replaced the bashfulness. He stared back at Magnus, looking as though he were making up his mind about something.

It caught Magnus off guard.

"Magnus, I want to apologize. I realise that with what happened... no... with how I acted lately... actually basically from the moment we met..."

Alec was starting to ramble once again, but before Magnus could even think to comment, Alec picked up on it and shook his head, seeming to start over in his head.

"I keep asking for a lot of help from you, without much in return. I'm basically as worse as any shadowhunter coming to you and demanding for your help without as much as an ounce of gratitude. And that's horrible of me, because I'm your boyfriend and I told you I love you and I'm not showing any of it."

Magnus frowned, ready to deny the fact, but a finger on his mouth stopped him.

"Please, let me finish. I owe that much to you," Alec said.

It startled Magnus, who only nodded in understanding. Once again, Alec was managing to surprise him.

"What I meant to say is, that after today, I wouldn't blame you if you thought it difficult to trust me. I didn't, up to a certain extent. I've been so busy asking for your help all the time that I haven't gotten to know you all that much. If I’d known you better, of _course_ I would have figured who you were immediately. I keep thinking that if Raphael had been in that room with us earlier, he would have known the moment he was there that it was you in that body, that you weren't lying."

Alec looked away briefly, a little pained, and it tore Magnus' heart, but all of it was short-lived before Alec returned to his speech, once again gazing straight into Magnus' eyes.

"It took me almost losing you to realise I love you, and today, it took me a second time almost losing you to realise I haven't done much to prove that to you. I don't want a third time of that. From now on, I want to do better. I want to protect you better and I want to prove to you what me loving you means. Magnus Bane, will you allow me one last chance to do good by you?"

Magnus was shocked, to say the least. He'd lost his voice, his mouth opening and closing like a gaping fish. His brain was still processing the declaration.

No one. No one had ever done something like that for him. No one had loved him this much to the point that they realised their mistakes and wanted to correct them to make sure Magnus would feel good at the end of it.

It was heart-warming and Magnus broke down crying because of it.

That made all of Alec's seriousness disappear from his face, replaced by panic as he frantically pulled Magnus up and to the side, probably figuring Magnus wanted space, the idiot.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't think-- I didn't mean-- Magnus what did I-- I'm sorry!" Alec stammered, hands hovering near Magnus face as though he didn't know if the touch was welcome or not.

Magnus chuckled through his sobs, and it came out sadder than he would have wished, but the smile he sent Alexander's way seemed to somewhat stop the latter from going away altogether and start to reassure him a little instead.

"You stupid idiot," Magnus said fondly through his tears and smile, confusing Alec all the more. "How dare you make me cry of such intense happiness?"

The relief in Alec was so vivid that his shoulders sagged as he sighed. It was then that he allowed himself to touch Magnus and both hands went to the latter's eyes, gently wiping the tears away with his thumbs.

"You keep surprising me so much, Alexander," Magnus whispered, closing his eyes.

"In good ways, I hope," Alec bantered, a throw back to when he'd given Magnus the omamori.

Magnus' smile widened before he moved forward, capturing Alec's lips in a sweet kiss.  When they pulled apart, the tears had almost stopped.

"Yes. More than that even. You keep surprising me in ways that no one has before." Magnus paused. "I do have to admit that I didn't want to talk earlier since my feelings were rather mixed because of what happened between us today. I kept telling myself that I couldn't blame you because you were doing your job, because we haven't known each other for long, because Valentine is a manipulative man and could have thought of such a scheme. But despite it all, it hurt so much when you didn't believe me and I couldn't help myself irrationally wondering how I could trust you if you didn't trust me..."

Alec winced and flinched, but didn't say anything.

"But the way you apologized to me right now, the way you poured yourself out despite how awkward you feel with words, that was proof enough for me. That's how I knew you truly love me and that you were serious about it. No one's ever did something like this for me. And it means so much, Alexander, you have no idea how."

Alec hugged him tightly and Magnus returned it full force.

"I love you so much," Magnus murmured.

"I love you too."

They stayed like this for a while. The warmth of the embrace felt wonders and soon, Magnus found himself feeling drowsy enough that he could go back to sleep. Long gone were the flashes of his nightmare. He felt safe in Alexander's warmth.

He whined, however, when that warmth was slowly pulled away and he reached for it, wanting it to stop going away. Magnus heard Alec chuckle and felt him place a kiss on his forehead.

"Just go to sleep, Mags," Alec whispered, delicately untangling Magnus' hand from his shirt. "I won't be long, I just need to take care of something quick. Otherwise I doubt you'll be happy about it tomorrow morning."

Understanding that Alec was talking about earlier, when he'd been sick over the carpet, Magnus moved his arm up with the intent of cleaning everything with magic so that Alec could stay with him, but Alec gently grabbed his arm and lowered it before he kissed Magnus on the lips.

"You're exhausted and about to fall asleep. There's no point either for you to use your magic for this when you could save it. Let me take care of it. Like I said earlier, I'm going to start proving to you that I care."

Magnus swore his heart skipped a beat. Lilith, Alexander was just too good to be true!

Alec kissed him again, once more encouraging him to sleep before he left. Magnus sighed and closed his eyes, making himself comfortable in the bed until Alec returned to him.

He didn't fall asleep until two arms pulled him up on a strong chest and everything felt right in the world. Well... it was not exactly true, but in that moment, Magnus knew that he was safe and loved and when sleep finally pulled him under, it was with sweet dreams filled with his love for the wonderful shadowhunter who exceeded all of his expectations.


End file.
